As a girl who grew up readin'  "少女漫画” a lot since i was kid. It had a huge impact the way i see "love" and maybe i think it also made me easly to romanticize a small things.

For me, fallin' in love should happen "naturally", 自然に恋をする。 

I believe in "一目ぼれ”。

Since i was in the middle school, i fell for my first love because a small coincidence something that probably wasn't a big deal. 

He was the new transfer student. We accidentally ran into each other on the staircase in front of the teachers' office, nd it was the first time our eyes met. At the time, i had no idea he was the new student. Then, a few moments later, i found out we were actually in the same class. :) 

Hahaha... isn't that exactly the kind of scene you'd find in a "少女漫画”?

Actually, i don't have any feelin' for him for the first time and i don't have any clue about that.

Not long after that, we had a group project and my classmates and i went to his house to work on it. While we were there one of his friend told me that he liked me. I don't believe it for the first time. I think they were just teasing me tho.

But i don't remember exactly how it happened after that. Maybe i was the one who asked first "do you like me?" or maybe not, it's all blurry now.

What i do remember is that he was the first person who ever confessed his feelings to me. He liked me just as i was. Because back then, i was very insecure about my eyes that made me lose confidence in myself. But he knew about it and he still liked me, it meant so much to me. :)

I remember the fisrt gift i ever received from him was a blue hourglass, it's beautiful. 

But after almost 2 month, even back then i've always had a habit of putting other people's happiness before me. Whenever i cared about someone, i'd end up pushing them away because i was afraid they wouldn't be happy with me.

I don't know why, at that time i said to him "if you're tired of me or if being with me doesn't make you happy, we can end this relationship" and he is agreed with that. That was the first time i ever cried because of broken heart and i still remember my second older sist hugged me as i cried.

Looking back i think i said it because i was afraid of being left behind. I thought that if i gave him the choice first, maybe it would hurt less if he decided to leave. 

But even after that we stayed on good terms and remained friends.

I carried those feelings for him almost 10 or 14 years, what i do remember is that in 2022, i finally realized something and that was the moment my feelings quietly faded away. :)

And after that i met "X". 

People say that when you finally let go of something, you make room for something new to find you.

The reason also that can touched my heart,

At that moment i think "これだ！”.

I thought he was someone who responsible and capable of lovin' deeply. 

I fell in love with him for those simple reasons. 

Nothing extraordinary, just small moments that meant everything to me. Simple, yet deeply meaningful.

I even made a story of our first met story, but i never continued writing the rest of the story.

If he had been paying attention to me back when he was still friends with my younger sister, then he already knew what i was like.

I dressed like an "otaku", and my style was kind of messy, you know? i wasn't good at makeup either.

Honestly, i never thought someone would fall in love with a girl like me.

Actually, he's also a nice guy and kind, but i don't know if was it true or it just a lie?

Because he's kind to people but not a good lover.

Because the truth is not ike that. 

When i had a fever around 38°C, i even told him that i gt infused injection because i was feeling really unwell. But instead of staying with me, he asked if he could have some time alone because he needed space to deal with something.

After that, i realized that no matter wht i said, no matter how honestly i told him i wasn't okay, it didn't make any difference. It felt pointless to keep expressing how i felt.

It wasn't just about him, i think i began feel that way with everyone.

So now, whenever someone asks me, "Are you okay?" i just smile and say, "Yeah, m good, m fine, nothing's wrong."

Not because it's true, but because i've come to believe that expressing how i really feel won't change anything.

And we also stayed on good terms and remained friends. (maybe ?)

Maybe now, i should stop to romanticize coincidence things. haha :)

Because i realized now, that m just an NPC, not the heroine :)

MY POV

 

You said i was awsome and perfect, but actually not awsome and perfect enough for you to stop looking at other girls. :)

You said never let anyone it is make me down, but you are the one who make me think that i'm just never enough and not good enough to be loved. 

You said this is just beginning for us, but till the end you just do the same things when something bothers you or something makes you uncomfortable. 

Because you said i was too judgemental.

If the future you promised us looks like this, like what we have now, then i shouldn't have waited so long. 

I should have left sooner instead of holdin' on and believing every word you said to me.

The truth is i don't think you ever really believed in me from the start, i guess. 

You doubted everyhthing, you doubted me, and you doubted us.

Maybe that's why you kept lookin' for comfor and companion from other girls behind my back.

In the end we can not do it.

I'm sorry if i didn't give you the respect you deserved. 

But in the end you are always the one making excuses.

You use to be so bold and certain about us, now all i see is hesitation and excuses. 

While you said "we can do it together", yet behind my back you were already searching for someone else, maybe you were preparing a backup plan all along, so when i pushed you away again and again, you wouldn't have to be alone. 

Maybe till last year, we still trying to make it work together. 

But then, i saw all the chat all the sexy photo's from that girl that day make me lose my words and i felt that tremble again.

Why he is not sure anymore about us and he can not be brave enough like he use to be, because i found out that he and that girl alredy huggin' each other at his house. He and she shared many videos about they can't wait to live together, kissing, hugging, something intimate like that.

And, they anniversary is on 25th september 2025. where we still together and we even met each other and spending a day together. :)

We even celebrated your birthday together. 

You were there for my eye surgery.

Maybe he feel bad if he come back to me, or maybe not, he is just not into me again. 

But even for what he did to me, i still trying give him a chance after i know about that all :) 

But he is not sure anymore.

In the end what a horror movie he makes for our ending :)

Not even a future that he promised to me :)

But it's okay, really ~ 

and that girl who already become his official Girlfriend no need to worry about anything.

Because hooman can change, and maybe he can be more safe enough and good enough if he with you. ~

That's wht i always tell my friends, some losses don't need to be changed or fixed.

But i do learn from all of that.

It doesn't mean i didn't make mistakes too, i do some mistakes, like my ego sometimes gt in the way and i would gt upset when he was late to pick me up and many more.

But, no one deserve to go through a relationship that causes this much pain.

Because when you're no longer sure about the relationship, the right thing to do is to end it honestly and respectfully, instead of hurting someone along the way.

Do not ever date someone who is not your type, just because you think they will give a good future or bcause they're kind. 

Please date your type, so you won't feel the need to cheat on your partner :)

Olivia Rodrigo - Less Lyric

I feel it again, edge of the bed	Di tepi kasur ku dan aku merasakannya lagi
Body and head protesting	Tubuh dan kepala ku menolak
My stomach’s in knots	Perutku merasakan kecemasan itu lagi
I don’t wanna talk	Aku tidak ingin bicara
Let’s just go to bed or something	Lebih baik kita tidur saja
Maybe it’ll fix itself tomorrow	Mungkin itu semua akan membaik ketika hari esok tiba
But I’ve been saying that like every night	Tapi aku sudah mengatakan itu berulang kali setiap malam
You say you can’t stand to watch me cry a minute more	Kamu bilang kamu tidak sanggup melihat ku menangis
So you do the noble thing and open up the door	Jadi kamu melakukan hal yang menurut mu terhormat dan melepaskan ku pergi
If loving me means letting go and wishing me the best	Jika mencintai ku berarti membiarkan ku pergi dan berharap yang terbaik untuk ku
Well then I guess	Kalau begitu ku rasa
I wish, I wish, I wish you loved me less	Aku harap, aku harap, aku harap kamu tidak terlalu mencintai ku
We tried to recreate our favorite date	Kita mencoba untuk mengulang kencan favorit kita
But we didn’t laugh much this time	Tapi kita tidak terlalu banyak tertawa kali ini
Our trip to Big Sur only confirmed	Liburan kita ke Big Sur hanya membuktikan
This isn’t what is should feel like	Bahwa ini bukanlah seperti yang seharusnya terasa
And maybe I’m a stubborn overthinker	Dan mungkin aku memang orang yang keras kepala dan terlau banyak berpikir
But I’ve thinking over this a lot	Tapi aku sudah banyak memikirkan hal ini
And I could try convincing you they’re just intrusive thoughts	Dan aku bisa saja mencoba untuk meyakinkan mu bahwa itu hanyalah pikiran intrusif
But you’ve seen me truly happy	Tapi kamu sudah pernah melihatku sangat bahagia
So you know right now I’m not	Jadi seharusnya kamu sadar bahwa sekarang ada yang salah dengan ku
If loving me means crying on the curb at LAX	Jika mencintaiku berarti menangis di pinggir jalan di LAX
Well then I guess	Kalau begitu ku rasa
I wish, I wish, I wish you loved me less	Aku harap, aku harap, aku harap kamu tidak terlalu mencintai ku
If loving me means saying	Jika mencintai ku berarti harus mengucapkan
“Babe, I think this is the end”	“Sayang, aku rasa ini akhir kita”
Well I guess	Kalau begitu ku rasa
I wish, I wish, I wish you loved me less	Aku harap, aku harap, aku harap kamu tidak terlalu mencintai ku

友人へ

My cicrcle of friend is really small. Especially now, i can say that i only have 3 best friends : Eiv, poppo tan and nikuroi (i use their pen name). Eiv and Poppo-tan were born in the same month, they are Sagittarius.And Nikuroi and i do as well, we're Leo. :) I can say we're FIRE Gank haha Why i want to share about them ?

Lately, Eip has been keepin' me company, maybe she knows that i dont have many people to talk to or play with. That's why i always play this game with her and her Ex ? or half - Ex? hmmm i'm not really sure what i should call him www Because they're in complicated relationship now, i guess. And Eiv said "このシーズンもよろしくお願いします” like "looking forward to playing with you this season as well" :) hehe 

Even tho Eiv and Poppo-tan have same Zodiac, but they personalities are little different from each other. Especially when i talk about my concerns or personal struggles. 

Eiv has a fiery personality.When someone hurts me or treats me badly she tends to gt angry for me. That's why she often ends up being upset or disliking the peson who hurt me and those feeling can last for a long time. Even whn i tell her that i'm okay and that i don't hold any grudges, she still finds it difficult to let go of her dislike towards them. That's why now i'm more careful when i talk to Eiv now, so i don't end up creating unnecessary feelings in her heart. :) 

Poppo-tan has calm personality, shw will show empathy, but she doesn't hold any lasting feelings towards people i've told her have treated me badly. 

Nikuroi same as Poppo-tan. She's the calmest one among us. How about me ? i kinda same like Eiv. When i knew Poppo-tan back then always cried over "Aka"(his bf and now become her husband), and stressin' about him. I texted him and gt angry, asking why he treated Poppo-tan like that. Aka didn't reply my messaged and he texted Poppo-tan why i should gt involved between they problem. 

It makes me have feeling i shouldn't have, he said. (and now maybe i understand Aka's feelings back then, when i think i experienced similar things with X now). 

But i don't keep those feelings for long, Especially now he is Poppo-tan's husband, all i can do is wish their happiness. 

I dont know if Aka still have dislike feeling towards me or not, but after that i no longer dare to gt involved. haha 

I love all of them, my best friends. 

I wish their happiness. Lately Nikuroi feelin' lonely, i guess. 

Because her mom already gone forever. she look like doesn't have motivation to live like me. That's why sometimes me and Poppo-tan asked to play together. But i know Nikuroi is dealing with her own problem. 

Whatever happens, i truly hope they find their happy ending.

あなたにとって「愛」ってどんなもの？

私にとっては運命の人ただ一人に注ぐものです。

私の「愛」は足りなかったかな～

それとも、あなたは私の運命の人じゃなかったのかな？

でも、私は人の気持ちが分からない、ダメなやつだったんだ...私。

「恋」って複雑なものだと思う。
だって、どんなに頑張っても、優しくしても、みんな最後は違う人のところに行くから、あとあげられるものはもう私自身しかない。

最初は好きな人の力になりたいな～。

あんな寂しそうにじゃなくて、もっと幸せだって笑ってほしい。

逆に、私は彼を寂しさせてしまっている。

あんな１００紙の願うを作った、手紙を交換した。でも、それはくだらないかもな～。

でも、私も多分人の愛し方は忘れるかもしれません。

なんか、大人の恋愛に比べて、学校時代の恋愛はもっと単純だと思います。

普通のことを普通にするというのは、案外難しいことなんです。

例えば：

普通は困ってる人いたら助ける。

普通は悪いことをしたら謝る。

お礼を言う。

どれも簡単で当たり前のことのように見えます。

でも実際には、それをきちんとできる人は意外と少ないのです。

いつか、できれば、運が私の方に向かっての場合は、その時は正しい人と出会いたい。

正しい愛し方を教えてくれる人に出会いたい。

でも、それは.....もしできるよね。

いなかったも、問題ない。

また間違った人に恋をしたくない。

でも、本当は恋の中には正しいと間違いことはないんだ。

ただ、お互いを理解できなかっただけかもしれないとか気持ちを勘違いしてしまっただけかもしれない。

私ももっと人の気持ちを学ばないといけないよね。：）

ごめん、最近なんか、頭の中がずっと騒がしくて、いろいろ考えすぎてしまうんだ。

今は胃も痛いし、少し気持ち悪い。考えすぎるときは頭の中だけで抱え込まずに、書き出したほうが楽になるらしい。

だから、少しだけ書かせてね。：）

Just a sudden thought

If my boundaries make me look like a villain, then it's okay.

At least i never lied to you or thought about cheating on you.

Even tho i often pushed you away so many times, because i'm afraid that you weren't truly happy being with me.

Everytime i pushed you away, i really mean it. I genuinely wished you can at least find a kind warmth hearted woman that can make you happy.

I've always had a transparent wall around me, because i afraid of getting hurt.

Since the day i found out that he lied to me, the wall only grew stronger and i can't control my ego back then.

But his words and his action is never matched, thats make my behavior even worst.

I always had the intuition that i'll be in the same potition like his older ex back then.

and yea, i've seen this before, it felt like dejavu.

As always i can't blame him for all of this. 

But have a cheated experinced many times, make me feelin' sad /? not angry at all.

Even tho i told him, if he want to have another girlfriend just tell me don't lie. and even i said that he still lied.

Maybe it's kinda weird and look like don't care about his feeling.

But, i truly value honesty, because once someone lies to me, trusting them again doesn't come easily.

Then, i tried to convince him one last time last year, but what he choose he also not sure about his feeling between me and the other one that time.

Then, you decide to break up. 

And i respected your choices.

But, after that you come back to me, said you are regretted your decision and wanted us to be together again.

But i told him, he can back to me when he already end things with her.

But, he even gave her a promise ring like he did to me. (with same design of ring)

And somehow, he still used me till the end :)

An ego is often just a shield we build to protect our heart.

And i chose to being alone because maybe i'm not kind enough. or perhaps because i have not meet with someone who understands the complexity of me. 

An ego is rarely about being "better" than others. More often, it's a defense mechanism. When we've been hurt, we build walls we become stubborn, we refuse to be the first to apologize, we protect our pride because we're afraid that if we let it down, we'll become vulnerable to being hurt again.

And when it's uncontrolled, it can indeed destroy things. It creates a distance that's hard to bridge.

But, the key is not to destroy the ego entirely,but to learn when to set the shield down.

As for controlling the shield, it isn't about force. I can't simply command a shiled to vanish. It's about trusting the person standing in front of you. To lower it, you have to recognize the moment when your pride is actually just fear in disguise.

And to build that trust so maybe i won't get hurt again,  trust isn't build by looking for someone perfect. It's build by finding someone who is consistent. Someone who shows up, even when it's inconvenient.. Someone who can listens to your silence as much as your words. Trust is built in the small, quiet moments of being seen and accepted exactly as you are.

When his GF also texted me that if i and him still in contact or whatever just take him because she's dont do sharing, because he already repeated his behavior many times.

And i know, exactlly... and yea we still in contact that time she texted me, but he only reached out to me when he needed something from me. :)

After that, i've decided not to gt involved in their relationship anymore.

I'm glad that he met someone who don't pushed him away like i did and her family can accept him.

I really menat it tho :)

But for that girl, she used to know me first before i know her. She even know that he still texted me, met me at that time. 

But she even don't want to break up with him till this year when i really don't have any relationship with him but we still texted each other.

I don't know, i won't blame that girl tho. 

I don't envy her tho.

I truly hope she can be happy with him and never have to go through the same mental struggles that i did. :)

I hope she never has to go through the violence that i once experienced.

I hope she never has to be hit by him the way i was.

Because i know he has changed, especially when it comes to his temper.

I truly hope she receives the version of him that i once wished for.

I mean that sincerely. :)

Well, i don't want to play the victim. I think this was just two human beings, each carrying their own traumas, who perhaps weren't ready to take responsibility for the commitment they chose to make.

2026 06 03 / 水曜日

間瀬さんは私がカビゴンが好きって、覚えてました！
だから、このヘアバンドを買ってくれたんだ！

嬉しい：）

ほ～ら、みんなは優しいから、感動する：）

ありがとう～

みなさんも、今日一日いいことがありますようにね～　：）

カビゴンって私っぽくない？　(*´σｰ｀)ｴﾍﾍ

 

朝になると、瞼を開けるのが怖いんだ。
生きたい人たちから見れば、こんな「死にたい」と思う自分は我儘だと言われる。
でも、私は彼らと違って夢もなく、明日を迎えるのが怖くて、死んだほうが楽だと思ってしまう。
家族や友達がいても、なぜか虚しさから抜け出せない。

私は恵まれている子なんですが、足りないのは「愛」なんだと思う。

私は自分のことでも愛していない、それは一番最悪だね。

「誰かに愛されたいな」と思うけど、自分を愛せていないままじゃ、誰にも愛されない気がしてしまう。

それは自分でも一番よく分かっている。

一人でいることが嫌なわけじゃない。
もうずっと一人には慣れているし。

ただ、ずっと歩き続けてきたような気がして、休みたいなって思う。

unknown

Sometimes I wonder....
if people already feel uncomfortable with their partner or if they’re starting to get tempted by someone new, why not just leave? why choose cheating instead?

Humans can be so confusing sometimes.
They don’t want to look like the bad person, but in the end, that’s exactly what hurts others the most.

If someone says they’re serious about you, asks for commitment, even confidently meets your parents but later it turns out those were just impulsive words bcause they were just curious about you, then isn’t that just irresponsible?

Like, “whatever, let’s just go for it now and see what happens later.”

From the very beginning, even my dad already told him what kind of person I am.

Over and over again, he kept giving reassuring words while repeating similar behavior at the same time.
And then he said I was too judgmental whenever he talked about certain things.

But everything has causes and consequences.
Even the phrase “cause and effect” was something I learned from him.

Funny thing is… he doesn’t even seem to understand what it really means.

He apologized and gave me a promise ring, yet he was still doing the exact same things at the time.

I even had this intuition about a girl he followed on Instagram.
I randomly said, “I think you have something going on with this girl, and the next day he unfollowed her.

But whenever i stopped paying attention to his social media, he would follow her again and like photos related to her.

At some point, instagram itself became a trauma for me to the point where i deleted it completely.

And the last one was the worst.

He was already brave enough to do those things in real life, not just on social media anymore.

While telling me he wanted to fix everything, he was also lying to another girl, saying he was single and that I was just his ex.

My last relationship really left a huge and deep wound in me.
To the point that i don’t even know how to heal myself anymore.

I know m not okay, but m too tired to ask for help.

He even read my online consultation with a psychiatrist and knew i was going through a depressive episode, but he didn’t care.

He knew i had psychosomatic issues and that my health wasn’t really okay, but he still didn’t care and chose another woman instead.

He knew… he definitely knew… yet he still did everything ....

But, once again ... he just a hooman being and so am i. 
Maybe it’s time to let him go,
and let him choose whatever he wants, whatever he thinks will lead him to his own happiness. :)

Tears Come From the Heart - Jon Caryl Lyric with Indonesian Translation

Twenty One Pilots - Drag Path Lyric and Indonesian Translation

When I see the devil’s eyes	Ketika Ku melihat mata sang Iblis
I’ll look away and smile wide	Aku akan memalingkan wajah dan tersenyum lebar
You found me	Kau menemukan Aku
Then I’ll know you’re also there	Maka Aku akan tahu juga bahwa Kau ada di sana
Cause proof is in the adversaire	Karena bukti ada pada musuh
You found me	Kau menemukan Aku
A drag path	Jejak yang terseret
Ethced in the suface	Terukir dipermukaan
As evidence I left there on purpose	Sebagai bukti yang sengaja Aku tinggalkan di sana
A sad sap laying on the surface	Sosok yang lemah dan sedih terbaring di permukaan
Can you find me?	Bisakah Kau menemukan Aku?
When I see the devil’s eyes	Ketika Aku melihat mata sang Iblis
A current travels down my spine	Ada rasa yang menjalar ditulang punggung Ku
You found me	Kau menemukan Aku
A drag path	Jejak yang terseret
Ethced in the suface	Terukir dipermukaan
As evidence I left there on purpose	Sebagai bukti yang sengaja aku tinggalkan di sana
A sad sap laying on the surface	Sosok yang lemah dan sedih terbaring di permukaan
Can you find me?	Bisakah Kau menemukan Aku?
I dug my heels into the gravel	Aku menancapkan tumit Ku ke kerikil
As evidence for you to unravel	Sebagai bukti untuk Kau ungkapkan
A drag path	Jejak yang terseret
Ethced in the suface	Terukir dipermukaan
Can you find me?	Bisakah Kau menemukan Aku?
(Can you, can you, can you, can you?)	(Bisakah kau, bisakah kau, bisakah kau, bisakah kau?)
A drag path	Jejak yang terseret
Ethced in the surface	Terukir dipermukaan
As evidence I left there on purpose	Sebagai bukti yang sengaja Aku tinggalkan di sana
A sad sap laying on the surface	Sosok yang lemah dan sedih terbaring di permukaan
(can you.. can you find me?) Can you find me?	(Bisakah kau, . bisakah Kau menemukan Aku?) Bisakah Kau menemukan Aku?
I dug my heels into the gravel	Aku menancapkan tumit Ku ke kerikil
As evidence for you to unravel	Sebagai bukti untuk Kau ungkapkan
A drag path	Jejak yang terseret
Ethced in the surface	Terukir dipermukaan
Can you find me?	Bisakah Kau menemukan Aku?
Can you find me? (can you find me?)	Bisakah Kau menemukan Aku? (Bisakah Kau menemukan Aku?
Can you find me? (can you find me?)	Bisakah Kau menemukan Aku? (Bisakah Kau menemukan Aku?
Can you find me? (can you find me?)	Bisakah Kau menemukan Aku? (Bisakah Kau menemukan Aku?
Can you find me? (can you find me?)	Bisakah Kau menemukan Aku? (Bisakah Kau menemukan Aku?