As a girl who grew up readin'  "少女漫画” a lot since i was kid. It had a huge impact the way i see "love" and maybe i think it also made me easly to romanticize a small things.

For me, fallin' in love should happen "naturally", 自然に恋をする。 

I believe in "一目ぼれ”。

Since i was in the middle school, i fell for my first love because a small coincidence something that probably wasn't a big deal. 

He was the new transfer student. We accidentally ran into each other on the staircase in front of the teachers' office, nd it was the first time our eyes met. At the time, i had no idea he was the new student. Then, a few moments later, i found out we were actually in the same class. :) 

Hahaha... isn't that exactly the kind of scene you'd find in a "少女漫画”?

Actually, i don't have any feelin' for him for the first time and i don't have any clue about that.

Not long after that, we had a group project and my classmates and i went to his house to work on it. While we were there one of his friend told me that he liked me. I don't believe it for the first time. I think they were just teasing me tho.

But i don't remember exactly how it happened after that. Maybe i was the one who asked first "do you like me?" or maybe not, it's all blurry now.

What i do remember is that he was the first person who ever confessed his feelings to me. He liked me just as i was. Because back then, i was very insecure about my eyes that made me lose confidence in myself. But he knew about it and he still liked me, it meant so much to me. :)

I remember the fisrt gift i ever received from him was a blue hourglass, it's beautiful. 

But after almost 2 month, even back then i've always had a habit of putting other people's happiness before me. Whenever i cared about someone, i'd end up pushing them away because i was afraid they wouldn't be happy with me.

I don't know why, at that time i said to him "if you're tired of me or if being with me doesn't make you happy, we can end this relationship" and he is agreed with that. That was the first time i ever cried because of broken heart and i still remember my second older sist hugged me as i cried.

Looking back i think i said it because i was afraid of being left behind. I thought that if i gave him the choice first, maybe it would hurt less if he decided to leave. 

But even after that we stayed on good terms and remained friends.

I carried those feelings for him almost 10 or 14 years, what i do remember is that in 2022, i finally realized something and that was the moment my feelings quietly faded away. :)

And after that i met "X". 

People say that when you finally let go of something, you make room for something new to find you.

The reason also that can touched my heart,

At that moment i think "これだ！”.

I thought he was someone who responsible and capable of lovin' deeply. 

I fell in love with him for those simple reasons. 

Nothing extraordinary, just small moments that meant everything to me. Simple, yet deeply meaningful.

I even made a story of our first met story, but i never continued writing the rest of the story.

If he had been paying attention to me back when he was still friends with my younger sister, then he already knew what i was like.

I dressed like an "otaku", and my style was kind of messy, you know? i wasn't good at makeup either.

Honestly, i never thought someone would fall in love with a girl like me.

Actually, he's also a nice guy and kind, but i don't know if was it true or it just a lie?

Because he's kind to people but not a good lover.

Because the truth is not ike that. 

When i had a fever around 38°C, i even told him that i gt infused injection because i was feeling really unwell. But instead of staying with me, he asked if he could have some time alone because he needed space to deal with something.

After that, i realized that no matter wht i said, no matter how honestly i told him i wasn't okay, it didn't make any difference. It felt pointless to keep expressing how i felt.

It wasn't just about him, i think i began feel that way with everyone.

So now, whenever someone asks me, "Are you okay?" i just smile and say, "Yeah, m good, m fine, nothing's wrong."

Not because it's true, but because i've come to believe that expressing how i really feel won't change anything.

And we also stayed on good terms and remained friends. (maybe ?)

Maybe now, i should stop to romanticize coincidence things. haha :)

Because i realized now, that m just an NPC, not the heroine :)