Just a sudden thought

If my boundaries make me look like a villain, then it's okay.

At least i never lied to you or thought about cheating on you.

Even tho i often pushed you away so many times, because i'm afraid that you weren't truly happy being with me.

Everytime i pushed you away, i really mean it. I genuinely wished you can at least find a kind warmth hearted woman that can make you happy.

I've always had a transparent wall around me, because i afraid of getting hurt.

Since the day i found out that he lied to me, the wall only grew stronger and i can't control my ego back then.

But his words and his action is never matched, thats make my behavior even worst.

I always had the intuition that i'll be in the same potition like his older ex back then.

and yea, i've seen this before, it felt like dejavu.

As always i can't blame him for all of this. 

But have a cheated experinced many times, make me feelin' sad /? not angry at all.

Even tho i told him, if he want to have another girlfriend just tell me don't lie. and even i said that he still lied.

Maybe it's kinda weird and look like don't care about his feeling.

But, i truly value honesty, because once someone lies to me, trusting them again doesn't come easily.

Then, i tried to convince him one last time last year, but what he choose he also not sure about his feeling between me and the other one that time.

Then, you decide to break up. 

And i respected your choices.

But, after that you come back to me, said you are regretted your decision and wanted us to be together again.

But i told him, he can back to me when he already end things with her.

But, he even gave her a promise ring like he did to me. (with same design of ring)

And somehow, he still used me till the end :)

An ego is often just a shield we build to protect our heart.

And i chose to being alone because maybe i'm not kind enough. or perhaps because i have not meet with someone who understands the complexity of me. 

An ego is rarely about being "better" than others. More often, it's a defense mechanism. When we've been hurt, we build walls we become stubborn, we refuse to be the first to apologize, we protect our pride because we're afraid that if we let it down, we'll become vulnerable to being hurt again.

And when it's uncontrolled, it can indeed destroy things. It creates a distance that's hard to bridge.

But, the key is not to destroy the ego entirely,but to learn when to set the shield down.

As for controlling the shield, it isn't about force. I can't simply command a shiled to vanish. It's about trusting the person standing in front of you. To lower it, you have to recognize the moment when your pride is actually just fear in disguise.

And to build that trust so maybe i won't get hurt again,  trust isn't build by looking for someone perfect. It's build by finding someone who is consistent. Someone who shows up, even when it's inconvenient.. Someone who can listens to your silence as much as your words. Trust is built in the small, quiet moments of being seen and accepted exactly as you are.

When his GF also texted me that if i and him still in contact or whatever just take him because she's dont do sharing, because he already repeated his behavior many times.

And i know, exactlly... and yea we still in contact that time she texted me, but he only reached out to me when he needed something from me. :)

After that, i've decided not to gt involved in their relationship anymore.

I'm glad that he met someone who don't pushed him away like i did and her family can accept him.

I really menat it tho :)

But for that girl, she used to know me first before i know her. She even know that he still texted me, met me at that time. 

But she even don't want to break up with him till this year when i really don't have any relationship with him but we still texted each other.

I don't know, i won't blame that girl tho. 

I don't envy her tho.

I truly hope she can be happy with him and never have to go through the same mental struggles that i did. :)

I hope she never has to go through the violence that i once experienced.

I hope she never has to be hit by him the way i was.

Because i know he has changed, especially when it comes to his temper.

I truly hope she receives the version of him that i once wished for.

I mean that sincerely. :)

Well, i don't want to play the victim. I think this was just two human beings, each carrying their own traumas, who perhaps weren't ready to take responsibility for the commitment they chose to make.